Tuesday, 3 September 2013

The Great Dwarven Experiment 3: Why? Just why?

Hi all, I've finally recovered enough to talk about this so here goes.

I'll be honest, I did consider setting them on fire, but then remembered I'm not an AFL player...

Following my in-depth experimentation with Dwarfs (It really was pretty kinky), I'm back with some results that probably won't astound any of you!

Shockingly, I lost all 4 of my games at Metalcon. I wasn't really helped by the entire of Lustria emptying out for the day but such is life. I did honestly feel I had chances to get points in every game, and but for a Snake Eyes charge roll, could have actually won one of them so maybe with a better draw, where people actually had to run at me I might have done alright.

Game 1: Mouse with Beasts led by Flying Doombull

This is the game I could have won as Mouse actually had to come at me to get points.

With some amazing bait and flee tactics and me cunningly dragging in some Harpies with the Rune of Challenge into the Doombull/Longbeard combat, I managed to break the Doombull with a Trollslayer Flank charge, (though Mr D6W Daemonslayer found out that he has nothing on a Doombull!). Sadly though a Mino Block minced the Longbeards and some Warriors behind them and after killing the Ghorgon, the Trollslayers with the other Daemonslayer failed their charge (needing to roll a 3...) meaning the BSB and last Mino lived and cost me the game. :-(

Notes: I was hampered all game by failed charges needing 8s-9s and honestly thats really easy to set up as an opponent. God, that extra 1-2" makes a difference (That's what she said).

Game 2: Ben with Lizards led by High Slaan

Just a bad matchup at the best of times, let alone when you're forced to walk into the Skink cloud...

So basically I just sorta watched as Ben ran around me and killed stuff at will. Again I failed some crucial charges, particularly 7+ charges to get the Salamander, but I really just felt like a passenger. The 2 Stegs and Carnosaur Vet merely sat out of range of the Daemon Slayers while the Skinks/Slaan took me apart. Only consolation was Trollslayers managing to catch the Saurus block and dismantling it surprisingly easily. Saurus are still Terribad people!

Note: This game was just a depressing highlight of how uselessly slow Dwarves are and how badly that hinders any chance of forcing the game.

Game 3: Adam with MOAR LIZARDS (sigh...)

So I think this was the most demoralising game of Warhammer I've played in a long time... Adam agrees with me that I totally tactically outplayed him but I still got dismantled, due to a combination of some average dice (not that Adams were any better...) and the effects on actually being able to cast spells on units...

The first "high"light was me drawing out the Carnolord with the Rune of Challenge, charging it with Mr D6 wounds, fluffing my attacks and doing only 2 wounds to the Carnosaur and getting eaten. The one thing hes made to do properly and he fails miserably... There may have almost been tears.

Second "highlight" was holding the Saurus with TrollSlayers, flanking them with full Longbeards and BSB, fluffing my attacks round 1, and then watching helplessly as the Saurus got Wildformed and killed everyone (it should be noted though that Trollslayers find Wildform amusing :-)).

Note: Even if you do things right, you're some fluffed attacks and one magic phase from oblivion...

Game 4: Aaron with (you guessed it!) Lizards (Kill me now...)

Aaron had Tetto Eko and a Slaan, and it was kinda horrible. Pewpewpew... Amusingly though one comet decided, even with rerolls, to wait until I'd dragged a Saurus block under it with Rune of Challenge to come down. Sure it killed half of my army but it was worth it!

The other thing of note, was Mr D6 wounds finally got to kill a monster, doing 13 Wounds to a Stegadon. Hooray, but lets be honest, there was no real reason for that Steg to be in charge range, other than I think Aaron being kind to a poor depressed soul.

Notes: See game 2

Sadly 5 other people colluded against me and decided that even the Wooden Spoon was too good for me and left me in 23rd/28. I'm not sure whether this is a good sign for me, or if those guys should take up knitting as Warhammer is clearly beyond them?

So what have I concluded from all this, you ask? Well...

This picture is merely here to help build some suspense for my shocking revelation

Dwarfs are fail! Just so much fail...  I know the Dwarven Defence League will cry "But you took a shit list, so that's not a good representation!". Well, yes, sure it was a crap list and I didn't expect to win any games at Metalcon, but that's not really my point. The fail I'm talking about here, is the failure to actually do anything in a Warhammer sense. During my four games, only once did I feel like I was actually making the plays and even that failed miserably as I don't even get a magic phase. It honestly feels like a boxing match where my hands are tied behind my back.

So the one major conclusion I come to is:  I just don't get the point? As I see it, if I personally were to take up Dwarfs, there are two ways possible ways to go:

1. I can gunline, giving myself a chance to win and not enjoy myself as I just sit and roll dice and take my opponents toys off, while they consider the best method of suicide, or:
2. I can go combat mode, and also not enjoy myself, while my opponent runs circles around me and takes my toys off.

Neither of these options provides me with any long term enjoyment, so again I ask again, what's the point?

By all that is Ginger and Hairy, Dwarfs need a new book fast!


  1. Welcome to our world lizards are our worst match up followed by daemons and skaven. As you dont appear to enjoy self flagellation id suggest using dwarfs only on those days u feel like being abused by yr opponent :-) but i still prefer them to any other army

    1. Haha, so Dwarfs are some kind of weird Masochist fetish army then? Thanks for the insight into Dwarf players...

  2. good on you for trying em though

  3. Yeah, good on you for giving Dwarves a go. I hope the moaning "Oh god, not a frickin' Dwarf army!" wasn't too hard to endure.

    I agree that the Dwarf army design is dated and borderline rubbish. Which is a pain in the arse for those of us who love the Dwarf imagery and background. GW can fix this by changing the army design, but whether they can be arsed is another question.

    1. Wasn't too much moaning tbh... More laughter :-(