Thursday 8 August 2013

The Great Dwarven Experiment

Or possibly better titled "How I Killed my own Hobby"

Time will tell...

Why can't all Dwarfs be as entertaining as this cheery little fellow?
Many of you will know I am not the greatest lover of those crude hairy bastards known as Dwarfs. In fact, truth to tell, the list of my least enjoyable games of Warhammer ever is topped predominately by games against Dwarfs. They don't move, they don't cast spells, frankly they don't even do combat very well... All they can do half decent is sit immobile in castle formation and shoot you, and from my point of view that's about as much fun as sticking a knife in your testicles.

Dwarven players are a strange breed. They, much like the Dwarfs they love, stubbornly refuse to admit they are wrong and play them forever. I can't decide whether I should pity them or hate them. They sit in their corners doing nothing but roll dice and watch the other guy take off their models, or they don't and they take off all their own models. I will never understand what they get out of this, but apparently its enough to satisfy hobby needs until the end of time (A true Dwarf player will literally play them until the day they die, most likely due to the other player hitting them with a chair ...)

"But we do other stuff too!" They cry, and hide behind their ambushing lists and Strollaz rune.

Don't believe this. Its merely a Dwarven plot to give themselves excuses while they shoot your toys off. Once a year, the Dwarven High Council forces one of their players to suffer the agony of leaving their deployment zone for a weekend. Once this suffering has been completed, the Dwarf player is allowed to join the Council and taught more advanced ways to ruin their opponents hobby. (Sometimes you may find a Dwarf player that actually enjoys leaving the deployment zone on a regular basis, but these players are outcasts of Dwarven society, shunned and beaten, and not to compared to their brethren.).

Dwarven society casts out their Gingers. At least they got one thing right...
So whats the point of this diatribe, you ask?

Well, with Axemaster coming up, I have been painting furiously in an effort to maybe once, just once, have a fully painted army. In this respect, half my models are scattered across my Painting table, and I'd rather leave them there. I have also been playing High Elves for over a year solid, and would like a short break, variety being the spice of life and all.

So, as many will say, I stupidly asked Greg and Dave if they could lend and write me a list for Metalcon, a one day 2000pt tournament at Hampton in a couple of weeks. I just wanted a bit of fun and something completely different. After briefly entertaining the idea of letting me ruin 4 innocent wargamer's hobbies with an all Elven Wood Elf army (which I'm pretty sure I could make never see combat :-)), they decided to instead ruin four innocent wargamer's hobbies, AND my own...

And so in two weeks I shall be immersing myself into this strange phenomena they call Dwarven culture by pushing standing some Dwarfs at my opponents, while I try not kill myself from boredom.

Can I survive? Can I learn anything other than how to moan about how Cannons aren't so bad?

Lets find out!

List to come soon...




6 comments:

  1. This sounds like a mistake.

    Also, you DO need to finish those High Elves. I want to see that army completely painted...

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  2. Oh and Meals you don't actually have a cannon in your list... its a flame cannon.

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  3. Beware, lest you become that which you hate....

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  4. Well at least you're giving it a go.

    As a dwarf player I agree that I'll play them till they bury me.

    All the best, and make sure you visit Bugmans Brewery and Stumpy Heaven.

    - Adam Richards

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  5. Awesome, glad you're finally going to have the enjoyment that is a full on fun filled dwarf tourney.

    You'll end up having a great weekend and have your best informed vote for best painted of any tournament you've ever been too. As all your games will be over in 1 hour and you'll spend the rest of the round looking at the nice models on other tables.

    And you're entirely right, dwarfs are crap at combat too, don't trust them to outfight anything with more than 1A at S3, and even then it's dicy if your opponent has any magic.

    Hope you enjoy your event as a hobby killer, still could be worse, you could be a bandwagoning LMC.

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  6. Woohoo another convert to the Stumpy faith... just remember young beardling it will take time to understand the intricacies of Dwarven strategy, the subtle demands of non-movement, the high drama that is our magic phase and of course the amazing skill with which we attempt to win melee combat against enemy models we cant wound. Oh and you have to wear a horned helmet when you play as well...

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